Originally, the forecast called for intermittent showers for today... but in a wonderful turn of meteorological events it has basically been steady rain since about midday! Nice!
**Please don't misunderstand what is to follow: I am not an unhappy man. The following words are NOT a veiled attempt to wring unhappiness from my life through the guise of longing. It's merely the exploration of insecurities, self doubt, and wonder about the various stages of my life**
I'm not nostalgic- I don't yearn for yesteryear like many people do. I don't pine for original Nintendo, afternoons after school, or one piece pajamas with feet, or "good ol' days" in general!
However, sometimes I feel lost in a chaotic and ever-pressing-forward world, a world that has no interest in pausing to wait for me or wait for me to catch a full and deep breath. Through the years, I feel like I've spent too much time waiting, wishing, and passing time to get to.... what? To get to what?
If remembered correctly, I yearned as a child to be a teenager, and then as a teenager to be 18, and then from there to be 21... you understand the progression. What happens when I crave to go back? I don't just want to go back and relive the glory of past experiences, but also to relish and cherish those moments that I can certainly never get back. These notions are certainly not unique to me... and I won't spend time illuminating those depths here.
What I would like to probe is the notion that I wish to go back and learn from my younger self- learn how to be a better man.
Learn from my younger self to be a better man??? What??? The following verse is something that's been kicking around my head for some time, and I think it helps kick off what I'm going to attempt to explain thereafter:
"Sometimes I urge to go back
To the man I was
When I thought I wasn't yet
The man I longed to be."
I agree, it's shrouded in double speak and conflicting statements. But it works for me. Essentially it's my attempt to describe how there are large parts of me that feel I was a better man at times in the past. There are a few specific checkpoints where I would grab the good that resided within me and deliver it to current day me. In a roundabout way, I think what I feel is that I've lost some good qualities along the way.... or that they've been obscured or tempered by a world that constantly needs more of me. The pace quickens, and with that it seems my throat thickens. Sometimes it seems (several exceptions, of course) that almost everyone I have contact with requires something from me. Both of those scenarios rob me of my purity... and the struggle that ensues to keep hold of my true self usually ends with me sacrificing my truest self.
So why then would I think my 18 year old self was a better man? Why would I think so, considering the chaos of graduating high school and looking out over an incoming collegiate experience, that I would be better equipped to stay true to myself. Though my parents may disagree, I remember being less selfish during those moments. I remember being more present in the moments with friends, family, and other loved ones. I remember having more time to enjoy the falling leaves, or a warm embrace from a loved one, or even the flickering candlelight during an evening of romance.
Am I lamenting the current culture we inhabit, and the way it sucks away precious time from our grasp? For instance- am I ridiculing cell phones, social networking, 24-hour infotainment, brightly illuminated screens, and the constant murmur of immediate analysis of everything that happens in the world; or am I lamenting my inability to come to grips with who I've come to be? Am I unhappy with my current slate of indelible qualities- restlessness, selfishness, quickness to judge and argue, incapacity to empathize with loved ones and respected fellows, or even my penchant for living in the next moment rather than in the present.
Maybe it's simply the burden of succeeding in this world? Maybe it's the price to pay for having a pretty good life! Maybe that's the hook- that we have this constant struggle to achieve our authentic self- even if that means learning from our 20 year younger self. Just maybe it is possible to have realized certain qualities at an earlier age, and then lost them. Perhaps it has something to do with a certain freedom and youthful exuberance felt at that age that I was able to better assert myself and my true personality. Maybe I can get that back? To do so, will I have to garner more self confidence and sense of myself and my place in this world? Will it come at some serious introspection, self criticism, and soul searching? Do I need the world to sort of "get out of the way" a bit so I can feel freer to be me? Are these expectations realistic or am I longing for something that can never happen?
Could it be that I was better at being me a long time ago? Does life currently have me preoccupied and unable to stay present within it? Am I naive to think that I even did have it better figured out when I was younger. Maybe I wasn't aware enough to know where my faults lied. Maybe, as Bill Parcells is quoted, "When you don't know that you don't know, it's a lot different than when you do know that you don't know". This quote, though applied towards rookie NFL players, could possibly apply to 18 year old me in the sense that I wasn't even aware of how I was acting or representing myself. Now that I know that I'm weak in certain areas, maybe there's hope that I can improve....
One foot in front of the other.... looking back to appreciate, but not wishing away the future either.... here I come!
Seeya,
AM Son
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